I have a lump

So, I need some therapeutic blogging. I'm worried about something, and I need to get it out.

I have a lump. I have a lump in my neck. According to the doctor it's actually two lymph nodes, and he's taking them out on Monday. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

Last August I had a sinus infection. As I usually do, I checked to see if my lymph nodes were enlarged. The one on the left side of my neck was. I had already started antibiotics, so I didn't think anything about it.

In September I noticed the node was enlarged again. But I had some ulcers in my mouth (courtsey of some head butts from Tommy), so I just figured it was from that.

In October, when I didn't have any infections or sores, I realized that the node was still large. I started to wonder if it had been enlarged since August. So I called to make an appointment with my doctor. Due to some scheduling conflicts, I couldn't get in until just before Christmas. I figured that if the node was just from my infection(s) it would have gone away by then and I could cancel the appointment.

So in December the node was still there. I saw my doctor, and she said she thought it was a lipoma, which is a benign fatty mass. She showed me one she had up near her ear, and it felt similar. She said I should see an ENT just to be sure, and her office would set me up an appointment. I told the nurse to make it on a Thursday (my off day) and to call me. I didn't figure I'd hear from them till after the holidays.

So, I still hadn't heard the second week of Janurary. So I called. Turns out, I had missed the appointment on Dec 27th (a Tuesday), and they had my cell phone number wrong and tried calling my work after hours. So, I called the ENT directly and scheduled an appointment for Thursday of that week. After feeling my lump, feeling the rest of my neck, and sticking a scope down my nose to look at the inside of my throat, my doctor said I needed a CT. He said that was not a normal location for a lipoma. He said it could be a cyst, a lymph node, or another type of a tumor. I had the CT that afternoon, but I couldn't come back and see him until Tuesday morning for him to go over the results. I did try to look at the films myself, but since the lump wasn't very big, and I'm not used to looking at either human films or CT scans, I couldn't figure out what I was looking at.

So, back to yesterday. The doctor said it is actually two lymph nodes on top of each other. So we're taking them out so he can send them to the pathologists to see if they are just reactive and benign, or if I have lymphoma. If I do have lymphoma, he said it's very treatable.

So, I'm a little scared. I'd be a lot scared, but I'm not letting myself get that far. Right now, I'm mostly scared about the surgery. No, actually, to be honest, I'm scared of the anesthesia. I'm a control freak, and I'm going into uncharted territory. I've never had anesthesia before, and the unknown of it scares me. What will it feel like, how will I react, what will happen when I wake up. I'm also freaking out about the scheduling. I won't find out till Friday when I need to be there, so I can't make plans yet. Tommy's daycare doesn't open till 6:30, so what if I need to be there before then? Can Sam drop me off, then drop Tommy off, then make it back before my surgery? How will I feel that night? Will I still be able to take care of Tommy? Will I be ok to go to work on Tuesday like the doctor said I will?

So, I need to slap myself. I realize that worrying about this stuff won't fix it. Sam will take care of me and Tommy, both that morning, that evening, and even the next day if needed. The anesthesia will probably be over and done with, and I'll be asleep, before I even remember to be nervous about it. The surgery itself doesn't bother me - he explained the procedure and it's one I've done in dogs and cats. I'll have some stitches, but those don't bother me either. As for the pathology, I'm leaving that one with God. He will guide the surgeon's hand, he will guide the anestheologist, and he will help us deal with whatever the outcome of the pathology is.

So, I do feel better now. Getting it all out in black and white always makes me feel better. Even if no one reads this blog, I feel better just writing it. If you do read it, please pray for us. Pray that I'll be able to have peace about the situation. Pray that Sam will have peace and won't worry too much either. Pray that I don't have cancer. Pray that if I do have cancer we caught it early and we can treat it.

Whew, it feels good to get that out. It feels good to ask for prayer. Thanks for listening :)